Growing Up

It's my biggest fear, I don't want to leave the world of comfort, routine and familiarity. The idea that one day I won't have as much support and certainty in my life. However looking back on the last 16 years of my life I've changed in so many ways; independence, confidence, I've learnt new things, made mistakes and learnt from them too, but I don't remember the change. Like I can't remember the turning point I stopped doing things or things happened. I can't remember when adults began to swear around me freely and not apologizing afterwards. I can't remember my mum stopping cutting up my food for me. I can't remember when I began to order an adults meal in restaurants. I can't remember when I didn't run to my parents after a nightmare. I just don't remember growing up. Will it be the same in 10 or 20 years looking back on my life now? Like these huge life changes I'm dreading will they too just become one of these non-existent memories?

Life is gradual and the fear we feel is how much things are going to change but in reality it doesn't change in an instant instead its gradual and at the end of it we don't even realize its happening.

At sixteen I've got all these huge life changes coming up - this year I'll be learning to drive and that is something I'm extremely excited about yet I feel it stands as a turning point and a moment set in stone in the beginning of grown-upness and it's not something I'm sure I'm ready for. From next year I'll be making the choice if I'm going to uni or not and that's been this big great ominous milestone that I've been questioned about and been living in a type of fear of for the last couple of years and yet here it is. Not sure if I'm prepared for this, in my head I'm like "yeah I can do this and I can't wait for this" but on the flipside in my heart I'm still a child who needs guidance and I don't know if I'm prepared for it. I guess as we grow up we fear these milestones more in the lead-up than when we actually face them and I hope that's the case over the next few years because at the moment I'm shitting bricks about it all.

- 2:34am 17/02/15